Ballot

I can't stand my mother when she starts acting like my father. It seems like when they start getting close again, he pulls her over to the dark side.

She just jumped all over my case on the phone for losing my ballot - I was surprised at how angry she seemed even though earlier she didn't seem to give a shit about the election. Personally, I don't really care either but I know it's my responsibility to vote. I'm not sure what I'm supposed to do about it if I lose my ballot though, I looked every where for it. I can't wait until my dad emails me tomorrow and goes off about my civic duty and how disappointed he is in me. Get off your fucking high horse, dad.

I suppose I'll give the county office a call and see if it's possible for me to get a replacement ballot, even though they need to be mailed tomorrow. It sort of seems like no point if I'm voting and ill-informed about my choices. Maybe I should get my replacement ballot and then vote for Chris Dudley and Art Robinson just to prove a point to my parents.

I would really respect my dad a lot more, if instead of being self-righteously ethical he had decided instead to actually try to learn something about his daughters. (Not that these are mutually exclusive goals, mind you, though I could do without the self-love.) Cass and I were talking on the phone the other day and discussed how he has NO idea who we are, or what we like to do, our goals, etc. Sometimes I feel like I'm just a canvas that he fills in with whatever he wants me to be. The other day I was talking to him about stuff in fisheries management and he went off about how I shouldn't get involved in the climatology debate because he'd read some Scientific American article about the backlash against some climatologist.

1.) I have never expressed an interest in climatology
2.) Fisheries have nothing to do with climatology, and thus the transition made no sense in the conversation
3.) I'm pretty sure he doesn't care that I don't care anything for climatology, he just wanted to bring up some random point that HE had been thinking about.

Most people would achieve this last part by saying "hey, read this interesting article the other day etc etc." Though off subject, I could follow the science train, and would probably like to hear about it. But please, don't pretend like you think that I harbor some secret desire for this thing you read about, because I DON'T.

Bleh, parent issues. I probably sound like some whining teen but I only start thinking about this sort of thing when we have an altercation. Usually this comes up now when they try to lecture me about being an adult...but I am an adult, and I'd rather not be lectured. Yes, it is MY choice not to vote. It was accidental, but it's still my decision.

I'm glad I got gerbils recently. They're not this complicated. But goddamn their wheel squeaks. :)

Rat Race

I'm not sure why I'm feeling so bad. I just feel panicky, and stressed and bored and helpless. I'm so afraid this is what my life is going to be like in the future - getting up, going to work, coming back, going to bed, and only getting to really interact with one person the whole day. My favorite person but hating them because I see them ALL the time. And not being able to interact with my friends, who are slowly slipping away...

Oh my god, I don't know what I'm going to do. This future seems really bleak.

A new start to life

I just realized I can do this. I'm going to read poetry. I'm going to meditate. I'm going to figure out a way to forgive myself and yet never forget, and I'm going to earn his trust and respect again.

Meditation

This I want to keep:

Feeling pain in my heart, I breath in.
Suffering from the pain in my heart, I breath out.

Feeling my heart breaking, I breathe in.
Feeling as if my heart will break in two, I breathe out.

Feeling the pain is too great to live with, I breathe in.
Feeling as if the pain is going to swallow me up, I breathe out.

Feeling hurt, I breathe in.
Finding hurt where I want love, I breathe out.

Feeling frustration and anger, I breathe in.
Feeling frustration and anger boiling inside, I breathe out.

Wanting things to be different, I breathe in.
Wanting to change him/her, I breathe out.

Wanting attention, I breathe in.
Craving attention, I breathe out.

Wanting gentle touch, I breathe in.
Wanting loving touch, I breathe out.

Feeling I am not good enough, I breathe in.
Seeing nothing good about me, I breath out.

Feeling shame about my body, I breathe in.
Feeling that I am unlovable, I breathe out.

Feeling that no one loves me, I breathe in.
Suffering from not feeling loved, I breathe out.

Feeling frustration, I breathe in.
Feeling fear, I breathe out.

Being afraid that nothing will ever change, I breather in.
Wanting love in my life, I breathe out.

Feeling fear that I will not have what I want, I breathe in.
Feeling fear and anxiety, I breathe out.

Noticing that I am ok, I breathe in.
Noticing that I am ok, I breathe out.